Others call it “ego massage”. We call it considerateness, unselfishness, empathy or plain kindness. It sees the need of the other person for a feeling of importance, it also serves that need. As a result it makes us win and influence that person. Our opponent is our inner tendency to unconsciously say or do things which feed our own ego – and oftentimes against that of the opposite party. We make remarks which, through unmeant, damage or offend the other person’s self-esteem and our popularity. Ego massage, on the other hand, means the feeding of the self- esteem or ego of somebody else to make him feel important. This “massaging” will redound to our benefit. He will think we are worth their support and friendship.
When you do ego massaging without due and genuine concentration on the other person’s true worth, you are soon discovered to be flattering only. And instead of gaining appreciation and influence, you lose the sympathy of the other person. If you can become a pro in ego massaging, you will easily win friends, become popular anywhere and succeed in whatever you set out to do.
It is, thus, important that you acquire an authentic regard for others in devising a way to get what you want done. This is of primary importance because in you is a strong inclination to promote your own interests first. It is not only strong and natural. It also often goes unnoticed or becomes too strong to control. Furthermore, it is unconscious. Unless great effort is taken to control it, it will make you not only lose friends but also become unpopular.
This tendency makes you do and say things which enhance your own ego – rather than somebody else’s. Or to let out some unthought-of remark or behavior in decongesting a thought that urges to be expressed. You are often prisoners of suppressed feelings and desires which control you. If you do not acknowledge and deal with these suppressions, they will prevent you from genuinely considering other people’s ego. You will not succeed.
Inversely and consequently, endeavor to enhance the ego of the other person – with every word and action you make. This is the singular principle of influencing others and succeeding through it.
You may say that it is not always possible to be conscious of other people’s ego needs all the time. You have your own interests to protect and activities to perform which occupy most of your conscious time. This is also why have not succeeded. If you want to succeed, make up your mind to give other people’s need as much concern as yours.
It works both ways. Ne is when you make remarks which offend without your meaning to. What makes you do so is your constant attention on yourself and your concerns, the feeding of our ego. But someone else is with you and has as much need for attention as you do.
The other is when you think that somebody who makes a tactless comment must have meant to offend or destroy you. He may just be expressing a feeling. It is you in reverse. If you understood your own tendency to satisfy the deep desire to express, there too is that tendency in others. You should therefore not feel offended by their tactless remarks or behavior.
This rule is very much applicable to business organizations. Executives or heads habitually make tactless remarks at their subordinates who can do little beyond keeping quiet. Many of these executives pretend or say that they want to succeed in their work. But they are really having a problem with their broken ego. This is why they ego-trip on their subordinates. Remarks like “You are not as knowledgeable as we are” or “what do you know about?” can cripple an employee’s self- esteem. But they also rob you of his sympathy, his efficiency and your business.
Even in personal life, you commit this singular mistake of overlooking the other person’s need to protect or enhance his ego. Standing-up on dates is one very good example. Whether the appointment is business or personal, do not stand anyone up. Not only does he waste his time, you also make him feel unimportant. You feel ignored and shelved for “some more important” person or appointment. Being late in it is a show of a lack of consideration towards the person who makes an effort to be punctual.
It then takes a lot of thought and a large heart to make it with people – and with success. Succeeding is not just based on thinking out a way into others. It also involves a feeling in into them. For people feel more than think. You do best when you feel for them and as they do. Only by doing so do you garner lasing success.
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