Jokes

> > Ano sa Tagalog ang asawa? ("May bahay")
> > Ano naman ang kabit? ( "May condo")
> >
> > Intsik: "Magkano punta sa Makati ?"
> > Taxi Driver: "Ikaw lang bang mag-isa?"
> > Intsik; "Bakit, hindi ikaw sama?"
> >
> > In an obstetricians clinic:
> > Doc: "Hubad na, iha. Huwag kang mag-alala... I won't take advantage of
>
> > you!"
> > Girl: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty at bra ko?"
> > Doc: "Diyan lang sa may tabi ng brief ko."
> >
> > Sa seminario:
> > Madre: "Father, pagsabihan mo naman yung mga seminarista. Umiihi sila
> > sa pader!"
> > Father: "Sister naman. Maliit na bagay, huwag! mo nang pansinin!"
> > Madre: "Naku, Father, malalaki po!"
> >
> > Dalawang madre ang kinidnap ng dalawang lalaki at sila'y hinalay.
> > Madre #1: "Ama, patawarin mo po siya at hindi niya alam ang kanyang
> > ginagawa." Madre #2: "Sister, yung sa akin, marunong!"
> >
> > At their honeymoon:
> > 60-yr old Pastor to his young bride: "Honey, before we do
> > it, let's first pray for guidance."
> > Young bride: "Darling, just pray for endurance, I'll take care of the
> > guidance! "
> >
> > At Bill Gate's wife's first press conference:
> > Reporter: "How does it feel to have sex with the world's richest man?"
>
> > BG's Wife: "No big deal...The world know's why he named his company
> > Microsoft! "
> >
> > In the doctor's clinic:
> > Doc: "You need a lot of rest and quiet surroundings. Here
> > are some tranquilizers for your wife. "
> >
> > *****************************
> >
> > Naglalakad nagtetext nasagasaan - PATAY!
> > Kumakain nagtetext nabilaukan - PATAY!
> > Nagdadrive nagtetext nabangga - PATAY!
> > May celfon walang nagtetext - NAGPAKAMATAY!
> > ******************************
> >
> > Ano rin daw ang difference ni Prince Charles At Kulangot! - Si Prince
> > Charles ay "heir to the throne" while ang Kulangot ay "Thrown to the
> > Air".
> > ********************************
> >
> > Bakit malungkot ang kalendaryo? - Kasi bilang na ang araw niya. Eh
> > bakit masuwerte naman ang kalendaryo? - Dahil marami siyang date.
> > *******************************
> >
> > Grabe talaga ang mga iba diyan. Mahirap intindihin...sa kanila ang
> > sabaw "SUP", ang malambot "SUP", ang sabon "SUP" pa rin.
> >
> > ********************************
> >
> > Mr. 1: Wow, first year wedding anniversary niyo na, anong gift mo sa
> > Misis mo? Mr. 2: Dadalhin ko! siya sa Africa ! Mr. 1: Sarap naman, eh
> > next year ano naman ang gift mo? Mr. 2: Kukunin ko siya pabalik!
> > *********************************
> >
> > Limang klase ng egg preservation?
> > Maalat-alat: salted egg iyan.
> > Maitim: century egg.
> > Mabuhok: balut iyan.
> > Mabaho: bugok iyan.
> > Malibag: bah! bayag na yan!
> >
> > Sa hardin ng Paraiso?
> > Adan: Lord, hindi ko na kaya ang pagtukso ng ahas sa akin!
> > Lord: Maging matatag ka, anak. Ano ba ang tukso ng ahas sa iyo?
> > Adan: Supot! Supot! Supot!?
> >
> > Totoy: Inay, ano po ba iyong sex?
> > Inay: Ah, eh? iyan ang ginagawa ng mag-asawa para magkaanak.
> > Totoy: Ang haba naman noon, Inay! Paano ko isusulat iyan sa biodata?
> >
> > Sa isang ospital, pagkatapos ng operasyon?
> > Pasyente: Dok, bakit ganito ang operasyon sa
> > ulo ko? Halos kita na ang utak ko?
> > Dok: Okey iyan. At least, open-minded ka! na ngayon.
> >
> > Inday: Sir, karamihan pala ng nakalibing sa sementeryo, ginahasa!
> > Sir: Paano mo nalaman?
> > Inday: Kasi, nakalagay sa lapida nila? RIP!
> >
> > Nagpa-blood test si Tulume. Kumuha ng sample ang nars. Pagkatapos,
> > walang makitang bulak ang nars kaya sinipsip ng nars ang daliri ni
> > Tulume. Naligayahan si Tulume kaya sinabihan niya ang nars,
> > Magpapa-urine test din ako!"
> >
> > T: Ano ang mas maraming sakay, jeepney o ambulansya?
> > S: Siyempre, ambulansya! Kasi, ang jeepney, sampu-sampu
> > lang bawat side, samantalang sa ambulansya, madalas na
> > 50-50 ang sakay.
> >
> > **********************
> >
> > Kumpisalan?
> > Tulume: Father, patawarin po ninyo ako.
> > Pari: Ano ang kasalanan mo?
> > Tulume: Nagnakaw po ako ng limang manok.
> > Pari: Magdasal ka ng limang Ama Namin.?
> > Tulume: Father, walong Ama Namin na po kaya ang dadasalin
> &! gt; ko. Babalikan ko pa yung naiwang tatlong manok eh.
> >
> > **********************************************
> >
> > Intsik patay, punta sa heaven, he asks
> > St. Peter: "Ano dyan sa kabila?"
> > St. Peter: "Wala, impyerno. Super init!!"
> > Intsik: "Lipat ako dun."
> > St. Peter: "Ha? Bakit?!"
> > Intsik: "Ako benta ice water."
> >
> > ******************
> >
> > Man: I'm depressed, Father.
> > My son is an addict, my daughter is a prostitute and my wife is a
> > gambler.
> > Pari: Tsk! Tsk! Disastrous! Is there anything positive in your life,
> > son?
> > Man: Meron, Father... my AIDS test.
> >
> > *******************
> >
> > If only Adam and Eve were Chinese they would
> > not have committed the original sin.
> > They would have eaten the snake and sold the apple.
> > ********************
> >
> > Ano ang animal na di sigurado? BAKA.
> > Ano naman and laging nap! uputol? CAT.
> > Eh, ano naman ang palaging ayos? Eh, di OX.
> > Paano naman ang pangit? Eh di COW!
> > *********************
> >
> > Alam mo ba kung bakit hulog ka ng langit?
> > DAHIL BAWAL KA DOON ...!
> > *********************
> >
> > General: Mr. President, I think our troops are over-fatigued.
> > Erap: Okay. Let them wear khaki naman for a change.
> > **********************
> >
> > What's the difference between ACCIDENT, CALAMITY and DISASTER? When
> > your girlfriend gets pregnant - ACCIDENT When you live with her -
> > CALAMITY When your wife finds out - DISASTER!
> > *****************
> >
> > A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar
> > having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to
> > them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a
> > creative sentence can have me for tonight. "
> >
> > So the White guy says "I love liver a! nd cheese."
> > She says "That's not good enough"
> > The Black man says "I hate liver and cheese"
> > She says "That's not creative"
> > Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
> >
> > ******************
> >
> > How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog? Pinch a
> > piece of siopao and let the cat smell it. If the cat likes it... rat!
> > If it doesn't... cat! If it runs... dog!
> > ********************
> >
> > What's the difference between! corruption in the USA and corruption in
>
> > the Philippines ? In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines , they
> > go to the US !
> >
> > *******************
> >
> > Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
> > Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
> > Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
> > Pag Kano - credit card!
> > Eh pag Intsik - C. O. D.!!!!
> >
> > *****************
> >
> > Lulubog na ang barko...
> > PARI: S! an Pedro, San Jose ...
> > MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
> > INTSIK: Anu ba kayo, lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!
> >
> > The NBI (National Bureau of Investigation), the AFP (Armed Forces of
> the
> > Philippines ), and the PNP (Philippine National Police) get into an
> > argument over who is the best at apprehending criminals. The
> President
> > decides to test them. She releases a rabbit into a forest and each of
> them
> > has to catch it. The NBI goes first. They place animal informants
> > throughout the forest.They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
> After
> > three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits
> do not
> > exist. The AFP goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the
> > forest, killing everything in it. They make no apologies: "The rabbit
> > deserved it." The PNP goes in. They come out two hours later with a
> badly
> > beaten bear. The bear! is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a
> > rabbit."