Others call it “ego massage”. We call it considerateness, unselfishness, empathy or plain kindness. It sees the need of the other person for a feeling of importance, it also serves that need. As a result it makes us win and influence that person. Our opponent is our inner tendency to unconsciously say or do things which feed our own ego – and oftentimes against that of the opposite party. We make remarks which, through unmeant, damage or offend the other person’s self-esteem and our popularity. Ego massage, on the other hand, means the feeding of the self- esteem or ego of somebody else to make him feel important. This “massaging” will redound to our benefit. He will think we are worth their support and friendship.

When you do ego massaging without due and genuine concentration on the other person’s true worth, you are soon discovered to be flattering only. And instead of gaining appreciation and influence, you lose the sympathy of the other person. If you can become a pro in ego massaging, you will easily win friends, become popular anywhere and succeed in whatever you set out to do.

It is, thus, important that you acquire an authentic regard for others in devising a way to get what you want done. This is of primary importance because in you is a strong inclination to promote your own interests first. It is not only strong and natural. It also often goes unnoticed or becomes too strong to control. Furthermore, it is unconscious. Unless great effort is taken to control it, it will make you not only lose friends but also become unpopular.

This tendency makes you do and say things which enhance your own ego – rather than somebody else’s. Or to let out some unthought-of remark or behavior in decongesting a thought that urges to be expressed. You are often prisoners of suppressed feelings and desires which control you. If you do not acknowledge and deal with these suppressions, they will prevent you from genuinely considering other people’s ego. You will not succeed.

Inversely and consequently, endeavor to enhance the ego of the other person – with every word and action you make. This is the singular principle of influencing others and succeeding through it.

You may say that it is not always possible to be conscious of other people’s ego needs all the time. You have your own interests to protect and activities to perform which occupy most of your conscious time. This is also why have not succeeded. If you want to succeed, make up your mind to give other people’s need as much concern as yours.

It works both ways. Ne is when you make remarks which offend without your meaning to. What makes you do so is your constant attention on yourself and your concerns, the feeding of our ego. But someone else is with you and has as much need for attention as you do.

The other is when you think that somebody who makes a tactless comment must have meant to offend or destroy you. He may just be expressing a feeling. It is you in reverse. If you understood your own tendency to satisfy the deep desire to express, there too is that tendency in others. You should therefore not feel offended by their tactless remarks or behavior.

This rule is very much applicable to business organizations. Executives or heads habitually make tactless remarks at their subordinates who can do little beyond keeping quiet. Many of these executives pretend or say that they want to succeed in their work. But they are really having a problem with their broken ego. This is why they ego-trip on their subordinates. Remarks like “You are not as knowledgeable as we are” or “what do you know about?” can cripple an employee’s self- esteem. But they also rob you of his sympathy, his efficiency and your business.

Even in personal life, you commit this singular mistake of overlooking the other person’s need to protect or enhance his ego. Standing-up on dates is one very good example. Whether the appointment is business or personal, do not stand anyone up. Not only does he waste his time, you also make him feel unimportant. You feel ignored and shelved for “some more important” person or appointment. Being late in it is a show of a lack of consideration towards the person who makes an effort to be punctual.

It then takes a lot of thought and a large heart to make it with people – and with success. Succeeding is not just based on thinking out a way into others. It also involves a feeling in into them. For people feel more than think. You do best when you feel for them and as they do. Only by doing so do you garner lasing success.

From among countless rules in winning friends and gaining popularity, there is one that is basic, most important and most effective. It is in two parts.

The first part goes:

Always take every honest opportunity to say and do those things which make people feel bigger, better and more important.

And the second goes:

Never, unless it is absolutely necessary for their own good or unless circumstances allow no alternative, say or do things, even in a joke, which hurt people’s feelings, or which make him feel smaller, meaner or less important.

Not many of us will find it is easy and natural to observe something good about someone and compliment him for it. We have our own interests to serve. We do not have much time to look around for something good to tell about others. But if you really want to succeed with people, do this. Be careful though, not to make it sound like a flattery or even sarcasm. The other person usually knows his good and weak points. If you compliment him with something which is obviously untrue, it may defeat your purpose altogether. On the other hand, there are those who are called “ego trippers”. They seem to make it their business to humiliate or embarrass others with their tactless remarks especially in public.

Always apply the golden rule to make sure you observe the second part effectively. Do to others what you want done to you. Before doing or saying something, imagine being in the other person’s position and having the same attitude. It will be your basis for judging the rightness or wrongness of your comment or action. This is called empathy. People who empathize are very often very popular and happy people. They are considerate and under standing. They make people feel worthy. This is not an easy thing to do. But it can be done not only in the drive for success, but also for the virtue itself.

Lists on how to remember names and faces.

1. Get the spelling and pronunciation of the name clearly and correctly the first time. Do not assume that you will easily remember the person and his name.

2. Repeatedly mention the name during the talk to be able to retain it well.

3. Associate the person’s name with some of his characteristics. This is usually done through the sound, color, taste, etc. of the words to be associated.

4. Devise a system of describing personal appearances. Make this system a detailed one in order to be effective. Writing it down also makes memorizing more effective.

5. Follow the entire program thoughtfully, conscientiously, and persistently. It is only by doing so that the ability to remember and recall can become instant and accurate

Many of those who consider themselves failures in their fields or lives are simply those who did not know how to make friends. It was the one factor the lacked when all else were present. But it is not too late. Here are suggestions on how to please people in order to win their friendship and your popularity.

1. Greet others pleasantly and promptly.

People always want to be noticed. This is true even of the self-conscious are really even more in need of it although they often refuse to admit it. There is nothing more flattering then to be noticed and quickly greeted by another. You are yourself flattered if someone promptly recognizes and greets you.

2. Memorize names and use them frequently.

Dale Carnegie says that the sweetest music to anybody’s ear is the sound of his own name. If you can use the names especially of new friends, you are on your way to winning them. Click here on tips to remember names and faces

3. Talk less and Listen more

Form the habit of discovering the interests of the other person. Ask enough questions to make him come out with his likes. It is rather odd, but even the person who is selling a product, service or idea must listen more than talk. This is if he hopes to make the sale.

Listen to the other party and be interested in what he is saying. Don’t just impatiently await your chance to speak. This superficial way of listening does not win friends.

4. Appreciate others and Show your Appreciation

Receiving appreciation is one of the strongest human motivations. People want to be appreciated for what they are and what they do. It is even the dominating factor in many who from childhood have been denied appreciation.

Your appreciation can be shown in simple ways. One is by sending cards or gifts. Another is by expressing it verbally but sincerely. Regardless of how you show it, a sense of appreciation always lifts the spirit. This lifting of the spirit naturally leads to liking the person who is appreciating. He will be remembered for it – and for a long time.

5. Substitute “Will you” for ”You must”

Even when you are in authority, it is still a mark of refinement to say “will you?” instead of “you must”. The difference is courtesy. And courtesy can spell a greater difference in the person to whom the order is addressed.

6. Maintain as Large a Circle of Friends as Possible

Consciously establish this circle, consisting of people from any type of occupation, taste and strata of life. And be genuinely interested in your friends’ fields of work.

From this circle, choose with great care a few who will constitute your inner circle. They will inspire you to work hard to achieve success and betterment. They will not lead you to deteriorate and pursue trivial goals.

Your inner-wheel friends should also have high standards of moral and spiritual conduct. They should observe business ethics and good taste.

There is a saying whish goes, “tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are.” Still another says “birds of a same feather flock together.” The group you belong to reflects your character. Gangs who make trouble are judged as groups of trouble-makers. They are branded condescendingly and cast out. And the opposite is true if one joins, or is associated with, a group of high repute.

Choose the kind of people you want to influence you. Normally, people of the same pursuits go together. Those with the same occupations or interests do, too. Whether laudable or notorious, this is almost always the case among associations of persons.

7. Avoid Arguments

Few people can argue without becoming unduly excited and affected by the argument. So if the argument is not that important, either ignore it or agree with the other party. Don’t feel defeated by doing so. Your opponent does not win just because he argues. You win twice: first, because your stand is right. And second, because you do not waste your time arguing on something which you believe is right and cannot lose. Most of all, you don’t lose a friend.

There are many argumentative people around us. Keep your distance from them. It is not beneficial to be with them. Look instead for those who want to live in harmony with others. Befriend those who are not on the prowl to defeat others in an argument. They are suffering from the damaged ego which they must dress by arguing and winning the argument. Don’t have anything to do with them. However, remain friendly.

But argue calmly if you are caught in one and you feel you must defend your point. If the other party does nit give in, simply nod and acknowledge his stand. You don’t have to insist on your point. You will eventually win if your argument is the real or better one. This will happen without making an enemy out of him, too.

8. Smile Always

It may not always be possible, but always try. The person who has a smile for all is likely to receive all the smiles back. This shows his sunny disposition. And people, even the un-smiling ones, are attracted to those who smile sincerely. So why not use this simple but effective weapon? It can bring you the friends you want to win.

Why do only a few smiles nowadays? Because life seems hard on most of us. And also because it has not been our practice to smile at everyone, especially at strangers. We have the unpleasant impression that he or she is apt to something foolish. Especially if the smile is given to a stranger.

Yet there is nothing wrong and everything right about smiling. If goodwill or good intent is behind that smile, go ahead and give it. Let other people get embarrassed by misconstruing your friendliness. But there will be those who will respond to that smile and become your friends. There is no harm. Every blessing should come your way because you please others by greeting them with a smile.

9. Spread your Interest outside of you

Be genuinely interested in others because they are indeed interesting. You will be doubly rewarded. First, you will make more friends who are even interesting. And second, you will enjoy the interesting things you find in them.

The Golden Rule applies in any aspect of life. You receive what you give. If it is a good thing, oftentimes you receive it a hundred times over. The interest you show others will make you an interesting person yourself. It will more than you pay off. It will bring you more goodness than you expect or work for.

The other blessing is your detachment from unpleasant thoughts and feelings. That is a great reward in itself. You substitute unpleasant emotions for good ones that come in. because you put your attention and interest I others this time.

10. As much as Possible, Look at the Discussion from the Other Person’s Point of View.

Isn’t this how you want others to deal with you? By all means, do it to them! You will make hundreds of friends in the process. This can happen because you demonstrate that you understand and side with them. Friends will flock to you, for sure.

But this does not automatically happen. You cannot do it or you don’t do it effectively if you are not used to doing it. You can’t have many friends if all you care about is what you think or feel. There are other people in this world. Everybody wants to be heard and attended to, just like you. Others will give that attention if you give it to them first. Develop the habit of considering the other person’s position. Then it will be easy for you to see a discussion or situation from his point of view. This is not a mere understanding. It is empathy which only a few are capable of.

You don’t turn emphatic overnight. You first deal with your inborn self-centeredness. Free yourself of it. Then and only then can you dare empathize. And when you do, you scoop more friends than you need.

11. Employees must be Openly Appreciated.

How to encourage employees to do better in the office has been a problem to management. This was the chore of the first management expert who took a serious study of employer- employee relations and their problems.

Employees, especially those in the rank-and-file, are in bad need of a sincere and frequent show of appreciation from management. The now defunct management-by-objectives movement of the 60’s and 70’s included participative management as part of MBO. It reflects the appreciation and regard that management has for employees.

Thank and appreciate individual employees singly, both in private and in public. This works and goes a long way in motivating and moving the spirits of those in the bottom ranks to greater efficiency.

12. Employers must receive just as Much Understanding and Consideration

After all, they are human, too. They have their own problems just like the employees. Bigger problems, for sure. Just because they are on top of the organization does not mean that they are less susceptible to failure. Or are able to do more than is allowed them. They too need understanding and assistance. They need friends as well.

Have you ever heard of friendless bosses? This is because by the nature of their function, they become strict and exacting. Potential friends avoid them. Ordinary employees do. They seem not to deserve friends they who most badly need these friends. Isn’t it ironic? More so because they are the ones who possess power over people. Yet they cannot make friends out of those people.

Employers need just what employees’ need. Recognition, attention, consideration, empathy and friends. They may not look like they do. Nor do they say or admit the need. But deep inside, they all ache for it.

Making friends with others depends entirely on how friendly you are with yourself. It may sound surprising, especially to the self-centered, but this line is loaded with meaning.

Self-friendship demand that you be honest, patient, understanding and forgiving of yourself. Honest with your true motives. Patient with your mistakes and general imperfections. Understanding of your weaknesses. And forgiving of those mistakes. True enough, few ever make real friends out of themselves. Or the word lonelines would never have been coined.

Man is a social being , it is true. But he is also an entire being in himself. He needs just a much time to reconcile with himself as with others. In making friends, he must first of all be his own friend. He must never fear being alone. Aloneness is not loneliness. If you are your own best friend, you will enjoy being alone withourself. But this is seldom the case. There is then basis to conclude that those who look for friends are looking for people to fill in the vacuum of their live. They are not alone but lonely. And one who is not a friend to himself will not be able to make many friends. He will not know how to be one.

We all like to be liked. This is not just a natural inclination. We also fear being disliked or rejected. As a matter of fact, rejection is a very effective means of preventing the commission of crimes and other offenses. We are still very much part of a society which dictates how the members must behave. And this unwritten code of conduct is also the formula for social success.

Not only this, we also need the help of others in our acquisition of, or ascent to success. Time and again, it has been said that no man is an island. We experience a sense of well being and worth when we feel that we are liked.

There are people who are experts in dealing with others and getting their support. They are natural in relating with crowds of different temperaments, occupation and beliefs. Yet there are also many who are unable to, for one reason or another - often springing back to their childhood inabilities. But even the latter will admit that they will be more fulfilled if they could relate with others. If they could have a purposeful involvement with them.

Few things compare with joys of friendship. This is why you want very much to gather friends and keep them. Friends make us glad in times of sorrow. They color our days. They provide much-needed company. They make life more meaningful.

You can certainly attract more friends anytime anywhere. They are always an asset. They are a treasure, in fact. Be rich, happy and complete person by having more friends.