The Priest who could not lie

Try not to lie, but if you do, do it as well as the priest."....


A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland.
She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks
"Excuse me father, may I ask a favor of you?"
"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?"
he replies.
"Here's the dilemma,
I purchased for myself,
a superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover.
I paid a lot of money for it.
I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs,
and I fear they will confiscate it from me.
Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?"
"I certainly could my dear,
only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie..."
"You have such an honest face father,
surely they will never ask any questions of you,"
and with that she hands him the hair remover.


After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn in line.
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
asks the Custom's officer.
"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son.
"Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask,
"And from the waist to the floor,
what do you have to declare?"
The father replies,
"I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be used on a woman,
but which has never yet been used..."
Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says,
"Go right through father.

He almost didn't see the old lady, stranded on the side
of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could
see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her
Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering
when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No
one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he
going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor
and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out
there in the cold. He knew how she felt.. It was that
chill which only fear can put in you.

He said, "I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you
wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name
is Bryan Anderson."

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady,
that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car
looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his
knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change
the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down
the window and began to talk to him. She told him
that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing
through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming
to her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady
asked how much she owed him. Any amount would
have been all right with her. She already imagined all
the awful things that could have happened had he not
stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid.
This was not a job to him. This was helping someone
in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had
given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole
life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any
other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back,
the next time she saw someone who needed help, she
could give that person the assistance they needed,
and Bryan added, "And think of me."

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It
had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good
as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe.
She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off
before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a
dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas
pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The
waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe
her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even
being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase The
lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months
pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches
change her attitude. The old lady wondered how
someone who had so little could be so giving to a
stranger. Then she remembered Bryan .

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a
hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get
change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady
had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the
time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered
where the lady could be. Then she noticed something
written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the
lady wrote: "You don't owe me anything. I have been
there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm
helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is
what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with
you."

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill,
and people to serve, but the waitress made it through
another day. That night when she got home from work
and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the
money and what the lady had written. How could the
lady have known how much she and her husband
needed it? With the baby due next month, it was
going to be hard....

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he
lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and
whispered soft and low, "Everything's going to be all
right. I love you, Bryan Anderson."


There is an old saying

"What goes around comes around." 

 A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 

"Why would  you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150"?

The man replied,
"Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from  the dead.
I just can't take that chance." 

Just for fun: Sana pwede kong sabihin kay boss na

--------------
"ano? yan lang di mo pa kayang gawin at iuutos mo pa sa akin? "

--------------
"hello! gawin mo na iyan noh para naman huwag mong makalimutan
kung paano mag-isip. Nakakatakot baka kinakalawang na pala utak
mo dahil hindi nagagamit."

--------------
"boss, makinig ka kaya sa akin!"

--------------

"puwede ba, busy ako? "
--------------

"make your own f--ing letters and presentations."
--------------

"if challenges are more important than financial rewards,
then why won't you just trade in your salary for my challenges? "
--------------

"Of the 10 assignments you gave me the past three days,
can you please decide which one is really "the most important
and crucial and is to be submitted ASAP?"

--------------
"absent ako today. wala lang, ayokong makita ka eh..."

--------------
"...pwede bang mag-all expense paid na vacation? sige na naman,
pagod na pagod na ako. ?

--------------
"Boss, ibili mo nga akong yosi. ...cge na! sa yo na lang yung sukli!"

--------------
"uwi na ako ha. bahala ka na dito sa opis.. "

--------------

"boss, puede bang taasan mo sueldo ko? ang hirap ksi ng trabaho ko
eh,
pakisamahan ang isang kagaya mo! "

--------------
"...mag-reduce ka naman! "

--------------
"...your assumption of your position was entirely hinged on the
absence of a viable choice. "


--------------
"haayy.. nagwowork out ka ba lately? "

--------------
"sagutin mo naman yung telepono. a little exercise won't hurt. "

--------------
"shut up when i'm talking to you!!! "

--------------
"ano?!! di mo alam mag-print? sayang ang laptop mo ma'am. "

--------------
"...please refrain from flirting with every white blonde male you
meet.
ang cheap ng dating. "

--------------
"ang ganda ng resulta ng pagkakaplastic surgery mo. banat na banat!
lalo ka tuloy pinagtatawanan ng employees mo.. "

--------------
if you really think it's THAT important, di ikaw gumawa

--------------
" sir! palit tayong sweldo!!!! "

--------------
" uh, di ka ba nahihilo sa kaka-solitaire mo?
gusto mo magtrabaho naman for a change? "

--------------
" do my work over the weekend?!?! bahket? may overtime pay ba'to? "

--------------
"deadline!!??...gusto mo ngayon na?...eh di ikaw gumawa! "

--------------
" hey, can't you see i'm goddamn busy? "

--------------
(at 6pm) "if you need me...BUKAS NA LANG!!! BABU! "

--------------
"sus!! mag-eedit lang hindi mo pa kaya!!!
kaw na lang ang mag-edit para hindi sayang sa oras "

--------------
"Sir, tinatamad akong pumasok ngayon e.. sa bahay na lang ako
magiinternet at mag gagames.."

--------------
"Huli kayo! nanonood din pala kayo ng VCD ha! "

--------------
"Sir, lahat ng kelangan niyo nandyan na.. kelangan niyo lang
tingnan mabuti!"

--------------
"tsk tsk tsk.. sinabi ko na yan e.. hindi ka lang nakinig "

--------------
"pede bang saken na lang position mo "

--------------
"nagtataka talaga ako kung bakit napunta ka sa puwestong yan. "

--------------
"Basahin mo muna ang LAHAT ng e-mail messages mo bago mo sabihin
na hindi ko pa nagagawa yung pinagawa mo."

--------------
"tara bakasyon tayo (pareho na kaming pagod eh) "

--------------
"...di po ako bingi at di po INDAY ang pangalan ko!"

--------------
"Hindi po bottomless pit ang MS Outlook Inbox mo.
talagang titirik ang PC mo kung hindi ka nagde-delete ng e-mail mo!
And yes, 700 messages is already a lot! Bobo! Marketing Manager
ka pa naman sa isang IT company!"

--------------
"kabit mo ba yung prinomote mo?"

--------------
"ummmm...boss, crush mo ba ko? seryoso? "
sabay sagot ng boss: "oo, kaya ka nga may trabaho ngayon eh.
ano tayo na? "

--------------
"do you feel threatened by my genius? "

--------------
(Greenhills Virramall style)
"Boss, VCD o, bold!"
"Boss, toro! "

-------------
"er yung paycheck ko? mommy naman eh "

--------------
"pssstt...hoy! Bukas ko na lang gagawin yung pinagagawa mo ha?
Occupied na kasi sa PC game na lalaruin ko ngayon ang oras ko for
today e?
tsaka...depende yon kung matatapos ko agad yung lalaruin ko ngayon,
ah basta...tanungin mo na lang ako tomorrow kung feel ko pang gawin
yon or just to keep you updated about sa games na nilalaro ko ok?"

--------------
"I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce."

--------------
"I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. "

--------------
"No, my powers can only be used for good. "

--------------
" I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. "

--------------
" It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying. "

--------------
"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. "

--------------
"Thank you, sir. We're all always refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view. "

--------------
sa pinoy na boss: pwede ba tigilan mo ko?
sa kano na boss : cut me some slack!

--------------
"di yan kasama sa job description ko, 'no "

--------------
"if i do what you tell me to, will this change the world? "

--------------
"is it your good looks, your family connection or your charming
disposition kaya ka andyan sa puwesto mo? it definitely has nothing
to do with your intellect "

--------------
"okay lang umabsent ka. it does not really make a dent here
in the office. mas maaga pa kaming makaka lunch "

--------------
" Ang OA mo. Kinocomplicate mo ang mga simpleng problems para lang
feeling mo matalino ka!"

--------------
"You're insecure. Palibhasa, deep down you know you dont deserve
to be the boss of someone whose brilliance you can only dream of!"

--------------
"don't expect people to be like you!"

--------------
"karapatan ko na umuwi na pagpatak ng 5pm. 8 hours lang ibinabayad sa
akin!
karapatan ko ring mag-absent!
karapatan kong masulit ang 1 hour lunch break ko!"

--------------
ikaw: puwede ba ako mag leave bukas
boss: bakit?
ikaw: wala lang

--------------

"Boss, leave ako ngayon ha, wala ka nang magagawa kasi nasa
province na ako, pasalamat ka at pinaalam ko pa sa yo,
atleast concern pa rin ako at baka magmukha kang tanga sa
pag iintay na darating ako ngayon sa office. O...may time ka
pa para maibigay mo sa iba trabaho ko dahil deadline ng
pinagagawa mo sa akin ngayon di bwaaaaahhhhhhh????"

Don't complain....

and if... inspite of everything....

You keep yourself worried...

remind yourself to ask

LESS

and

thank MORE

God created the donkey

and said to him.

"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset

carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,

you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."

The donkey answered:

"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"

God granted his wish.

.........................................................................................

God created the dog

and said to him:

"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.

You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.

You will be a dog. "

The dog answered:

"Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years.

" God granted his wish.

..........................................................................................

God created the monkey

and said to him:

"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.

You will be amusing and you will live

20 years. "

The monkey answered:

"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."

God granted his wish.

.........................................................................................

Finally God created man ...

and said to him:

"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.

You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.

You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."

Man responded:

"Sir, I will be a man but to live only

20 years is very little,

give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,

the 15 years that the dog did not want and

the 10 years the monkey refused.

" God granted man's wish

........................................................................................

And since then, man lives

20 years as a man ,

marries and spends

30 years like a donkey,

working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,

he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house

and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,

he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,

going from house to house and from one son or

daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be going or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent
enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you can not seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them and reaching out to pull one another up. We are not the shiniest group of people, but are very much a circle. We are there for one another and will listen and grow for the rest of our lives. We will piss one another off, but we will also heal one another's hearts. We are the group who sometimes doesn't need words but will laugh at the end of a conversation that started with
angry words.

We are friends and in 10 years, when we have figured out where we fit in this world, we will still be friends always 

By Ken Gaub

At the time I was driving on 1-75 near Dayton, Ohio, with my
wife and children. We turned off the highway for a rest and
refreshment stop. My wife Barbara and children went into the
restaurant. I suddenly felt the need to stretch my legs, so waved
them off ahead saying I'd join them later. I bought a soft drink,
and as I walked toward a Dairy Queen, feelings of self pity enshrouded
my mind. I loved the Lord and my ministry, but I felt drained, burdened.
My cup was empty. Suddenly the impatient ringing of a telephone nearby
jarred me out of my doldrums. It was coming from a phone booth at a
service station on the corner. Wasn't anyone going to answer the phone?
Noise from the traffic flowing through the busy intersection must have
drowned out the sound because the service station attendant continued
looking after his customers, oblivious to the incessant ringing.
"Why doesn't somebody answer that phone?" I muttered. I began
reasoning. It may be important. What if it's an emergency? Curiosity
overcame my indifference. I stepped inside the booth and picked up
the phone. "Hello," I said casually and took a big sip of
my drink. The operator said: "Long distance call for Ken Gaub."
My eyes widened, and I almost choked on a chunk of ice. Swallowing hard,
I said, "You're crazy!" Then realizing I shouldn't speak to an
operator like that, I added, "This can't be! I was walking down the road,
not bothering anyone, and the phone was ringing..." "Is Ken Gaub there?"
the operator interrupted. "I have a long distance call for him."
It took a moment to gain control of my babbling, but I finally replied,
"Yes, he is here." Searching for a possible explanation,
I wondered if I could possibly be on Candid Camera! Still shaken,
perplexed, I asked, "How in the world did you reach me here?
I was walking down the road, the pay phone started ringing, and I
just answered it on chance. You can't mean me."
"Well," the operator asked, "is Mr. Gaub there or isn't he?" "Yes, I am
Ken Gaub," I said, finally convinced by the tone of her voice that
the call was real. Then I heard another voice say, "Yes, that's him,
operator. That's Ken Gaub." I listened dumb-founded to a strange voice
identify herself. "I'm Millie from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. You don't
know me, Mr. Gaub, but I'm desperate. Please help me." "What can I
do for you?" She began weeping. Finally she regained control and
continued. "I was about to commit suicide, had just finished writing
a note, when I began to pray and tell God I really didn't want to do this.
Then I suddenly remembered seeing you on television and thought if I could
just talk to you, you could help me. I knew that was impossible because I
didn't know how to reach you, I didn't know anyone who could help me find you.
Then some numbers came to my mind, and I scribbled them down." At this
point she began weeping again, and I prayed silently for wisdom to help her.
She continued, "I looked at the numbers and thought, couldn't it be
wonderful if I had a miracle from God, and He has given me Ken's phone
number? I decided to try calling it. I can't believe I'm talking to you.
Are you in your office in California?" I replied, "Lady, I don't have
an office in California. My office is in Yakima, Washington." A little
surprised, she asked, "Oh really, then where are you?"
"Don't you know?" I responded. "You made the call."
She explained, "But I don't even know what area I'm calling.
I just dialed the number that I had on this paper." "Ma'am, you
won't believe this, but I'm in a phone booth in Dayton Ohio!"
"Really?" she exclaimed. "Well, what are you doing there?"
I kidded her gently, "Well, I'm answering the phone. It was ringing
as I walked by, so I answered it." Knowing this encounter could only
have been arranged by God, I began to counsel the woman. As she told me
of her despair and frustration, the presence of the Holy Spirit flooded
the phone booth giving me words of wisdom beyond my ability. In a matter
of moments, she prayed the sinner's prayer and met the One who would
lead her out of her situation into a new life. I walked away from that
telephone booth with an electrifying sense of our heavenly Father's
concern for each of His children. What were the astronomical odds of
this happening. With all the millions of phones and innumerable
combinations of numbers, only an all-knowing God could have caused
that woman to call THAT number, in THAT phone booth, at THAT moment
in time. Forgetting my drink and nearly bursting with exhilaration,
I headed back to my family, wondering if they would believe my
story. Maybe I better not tell this I thought, but I couldn't contain
it. "Barb, you won't believe this! God knows where I am!"

It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the
PHILIPPINES. The Lord
speaks
to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it
rain and cover the
whole

earth with water until all is destroyed. But I
want you to save the
righteous people and two of every kind of living
thing on the earth.

Therefore, I am commanding you to build an
Ark." In a flash of
lightning, God delivered the specifications for an
Ark. Fearful and
trembling, Noah

took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the
Lord,
"You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud
covered the earth and
all
the seas of the earth went into tumult. The Lord saw
Noah sitting in his
front

yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the
Ark?" "Lord please
forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there
were big problems.

First, I had to get a Mayor's permit for
construction and your plans
"did not comply with the codes". I had to hire their
"engineering firm"
and

"redraw" the plans. Then I got into a fight
with Municipal Fire
Safety
Inspector over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and

extinguishers. Then my neighbor objected,
claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a
permit

from the municipal planning office. I had
problems getting enough
wood
for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees
to protect the

Monkey-Eating Eagle. I finally convinced the
DENR that I needed the
wood to save the eagles. However, the DENR won't let
me catch any eagles.

So, no eagles. The carpenters formed a union
and went out on strike.
I
had to negotiate a settlement with the KMU. Now I
have 16 carpenters on
the
Ark, but

still no eagles. When I started rounding up the
other animals, I got
sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
only taking two of
each
kind

aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the
DENR again notified
me
that I could not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact

assessment on your proposed flood. They didn't
take very kindly to
the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct
of the Creator of the

universe. Then the DPWH demanded a map of the
proposed new flood
plan.
I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to
resolve a complaint

filed with the DOLE that I am practicing
discrimination by not
taking
godless, unbelieving people aboard! The BIR has
seized all my assets,
claiming

that I'm building the Ark in preparation to
flee the country to
avoid
paying taxes. I just got a notice from the BIR that I
owe some kind of
user
tax

and failed to register the Ark as a
recreational water craft."

The NBI and ISAFP each wanted a piece of the
action alleging that
the
Ark would be used by the Magdalo soldiers to escape.
The PNP on the other
hand insists

that Al-Ghozi might use the Ark to flee to
Indonesia. Malacanang
sees
the opportunity to use the Ark for GMA's Strong
Republic Nautical Highway
presidential

campaign sorties.

Finally the Senate got the courts to issue a
TRO against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is
flooding the earth, it
is
a religious event and

therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for
another 10 or 16
years!"

Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun
began to shine and the
seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up
hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the
earth, Lord?" "No," said
the Lord sadly...."The government is already doing
that."

             Although Micro SD cards are primarily used to store photos or video files from digital cameras, they can also be used to store any other type of data such as word documents or executable files. If multiple people have access to your Micro SD card, enabling the write protection feature will ensure that the data currently saved on the card cannot be modified or deleted in any way without first having the feature turned off.

             I have a micro sd from my nokia phone and i want to put songs from my pc into micro sd. But as i am trying to copy, it says that my micro sd has a write protect enable. As i figured it out it has no switch to select for enable and disable. So i tried these simple steps and voila it works.

1. To disable write protection [so that you can copy mp3 songs from pc to micro sd]

             Right-click on a file if there is just one specific file you want to disable write protection for. Or right click on a folder if you wan to disable all its content. Click on the "Properties" link from the menu that will pop up. Navigate to the "General" tab. Click or Unchecked on the box marked as "Read Only" and then close the Properties window.

2. To enable write protection [so that you can't copy files from pc to micro sd]

            Right-click on a file if there is just one specific file you want to enable write protection for. Or right click on a folder if you wan to enable all its content. Click on the "Properties" link from the menu that will pop up. Navigate to the "General" tab. Click or checked on the box marked as "Read Only" and then close the Properties window.

Note: If the file is read only you can't put anything on it. Be sure that read only checked box is unchecked, so that you put anything in your micro sd.

> > Ano sa Tagalog ang asawa? ("May bahay")
> > Ano naman ang kabit? ( "May condo")
> >
> > Intsik: "Magkano punta sa Makati ?"
> > Taxi Driver: "Ikaw lang bang mag-isa?"
> > Intsik; "Bakit, hindi ikaw sama?"
> >
> > In an obstetricians clinic:
> > Doc: "Hubad na, iha. Huwag kang mag-alala... I won't take advantage of
>
> > you!"
> > Girl: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty at bra ko?"
> > Doc: "Diyan lang sa may tabi ng brief ko."
> >
> > Sa seminario:
> > Madre: "Father, pagsabihan mo naman yung mga seminarista. Umiihi sila
> > sa pader!"
> > Father: "Sister naman. Maliit na bagay, huwag! mo nang pansinin!"
> > Madre: "Naku, Father, malalaki po!"
> >
> > Dalawang madre ang kinidnap ng dalawang lalaki at sila'y hinalay.
> > Madre #1: "Ama, patawarin mo po siya at hindi niya alam ang kanyang
> > ginagawa." Madre #2: "Sister, yung sa akin, marunong!"
> >
> > At their honeymoon:
> > 60-yr old Pastor to his young bride: "Honey, before we do
> > it, let's first pray for guidance."
> > Young bride: "Darling, just pray for endurance, I'll take care of the
> > guidance! "
> >
> > At Bill Gate's wife's first press conference:
> > Reporter: "How does it feel to have sex with the world's richest man?"
>
> > BG's Wife: "No big deal...The world know's why he named his company
> > Microsoft! "
> >
> > In the doctor's clinic:
> > Doc: "You need a lot of rest and quiet surroundings. Here
> > are some tranquilizers for your wife. "
> >
> > *****************************
> >
> > Naglalakad nagtetext nasagasaan - PATAY!
> > Kumakain nagtetext nabilaukan - PATAY!
> > Nagdadrive nagtetext nabangga - PATAY!
> > May celfon walang nagtetext - NAGPAKAMATAY!
> > ******************************
> >
> > Ano rin daw ang difference ni Prince Charles At Kulangot! - Si Prince
> > Charles ay "heir to the throne" while ang Kulangot ay "Thrown to the
> > Air".
> > ********************************
> >
> > Bakit malungkot ang kalendaryo? - Kasi bilang na ang araw niya. Eh
> > bakit masuwerte naman ang kalendaryo? - Dahil marami siyang date.
> > *******************************
> >
> > Grabe talaga ang mga iba diyan. Mahirap intindihin...sa kanila ang
> > sabaw "SUP", ang malambot "SUP", ang sabon "SUP" pa rin.
> >
> > ********************************
> >
> > Mr. 1: Wow, first year wedding anniversary niyo na, anong gift mo sa
> > Misis mo? Mr. 2: Dadalhin ko! siya sa Africa ! Mr. 1: Sarap naman, eh
> > next year ano naman ang gift mo? Mr. 2: Kukunin ko siya pabalik!
> > *********************************
> >
> > Limang klase ng egg preservation?
> > Maalat-alat: salted egg iyan.
> > Maitim: century egg.
> > Mabuhok: balut iyan.
> > Mabaho: bugok iyan.
> > Malibag: bah! bayag na yan!
> >
> > Sa hardin ng Paraiso?
> > Adan: Lord, hindi ko na kaya ang pagtukso ng ahas sa akin!
> > Lord: Maging matatag ka, anak. Ano ba ang tukso ng ahas sa iyo?
> > Adan: Supot! Supot! Supot!?
> >
> > Totoy: Inay, ano po ba iyong sex?
> > Inay: Ah, eh? iyan ang ginagawa ng mag-asawa para magkaanak.
> > Totoy: Ang haba naman noon, Inay! Paano ko isusulat iyan sa biodata?
> >
> > Sa isang ospital, pagkatapos ng operasyon?
> > Pasyente: Dok, bakit ganito ang operasyon sa
> > ulo ko? Halos kita na ang utak ko?
> > Dok: Okey iyan. At least, open-minded ka! na ngayon.
> >
> > Inday: Sir, karamihan pala ng nakalibing sa sementeryo, ginahasa!
> > Sir: Paano mo nalaman?
> > Inday: Kasi, nakalagay sa lapida nila? RIP!
> >
> > Nagpa-blood test si Tulume. Kumuha ng sample ang nars. Pagkatapos,
> > walang makitang bulak ang nars kaya sinipsip ng nars ang daliri ni
> > Tulume. Naligayahan si Tulume kaya sinabihan niya ang nars,
> > Magpapa-urine test din ako!"
> >
> > T: Ano ang mas maraming sakay, jeepney o ambulansya?
> > S: Siyempre, ambulansya! Kasi, ang jeepney, sampu-sampu
> > lang bawat side, samantalang sa ambulansya, madalas na
> > 50-50 ang sakay.
> >
> > **********************
> >
> > Kumpisalan?
> > Tulume: Father, patawarin po ninyo ako.
> > Pari: Ano ang kasalanan mo?
> > Tulume: Nagnakaw po ako ng limang manok.
> > Pari: Magdasal ka ng limang Ama Namin.?
> > Tulume: Father, walong Ama Namin na po kaya ang dadasalin
> &! gt; ko. Babalikan ko pa yung naiwang tatlong manok eh.
> >
> > **********************************************
> >
> > Intsik patay, punta sa heaven, he asks
> > St. Peter: "Ano dyan sa kabila?"
> > St. Peter: "Wala, impyerno. Super init!!"
> > Intsik: "Lipat ako dun."
> > St. Peter: "Ha? Bakit?!"
> > Intsik: "Ako benta ice water."
> >
> > ******************
> >
> > Man: I'm depressed, Father.
> > My son is an addict, my daughter is a prostitute and my wife is a
> > gambler.
> > Pari: Tsk! Tsk! Disastrous! Is there anything positive in your life,
> > son?
> > Man: Meron, Father... my AIDS test.
> >
> > *******************
> >
> > If only Adam and Eve were Chinese they would
> > not have committed the original sin.
> > They would have eaten the snake and sold the apple.
> > ********************
> >
> > Ano ang animal na di sigurado? BAKA.
> > Ano naman and laging nap! uputol? CAT.
> > Eh, ano naman ang palaging ayos? Eh, di OX.
> > Paano naman ang pangit? Eh di COW!
> > *********************
> >
> > Alam mo ba kung bakit hulog ka ng langit?
> > DAHIL BAWAL KA DOON ...!
> > *********************
> >
> > General: Mr. President, I think our troops are over-fatigued.
> > Erap: Okay. Let them wear khaki naman for a change.
> > **********************
> >
> > What's the difference between ACCIDENT, CALAMITY and DISASTER? When
> > your girlfriend gets pregnant - ACCIDENT When you live with her -
> > CALAMITY When your wife finds out - DISASTER!
> > *****************
> >
> > A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar
> > having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to
> > them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a
> > creative sentence can have me for tonight. "
> >
> > So the White guy says "I love liver a! nd cheese."
> > She says "That's not good enough"
> > The Black man says "I hate liver and cheese"
> > She says "That's not creative"
> > Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
> >
> > ******************
> >
> > How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog? Pinch a
> > piece of siopao and let the cat smell it. If the cat likes it... rat!
> > If it doesn't... cat! If it runs... dog!
> > ********************
> >
> > What's the difference between! corruption in the USA and corruption in
>
> > the Philippines ? In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines , they
> > go to the US !
> >
> > *******************
> >
> > Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
> > Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
> > Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
> > Pag Kano - credit card!
> > Eh pag Intsik - C. O. D.!!!!
> >
> > *****************
> >
> > Lulubog na ang barko...
> > PARI: S! an Pedro, San Jose ...
> > MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
> > INTSIK: Anu ba kayo, lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!
> >
> > The NBI (National Bureau of Investigation), the AFP (Armed Forces of
> the
> > Philippines ), and the PNP (Philippine National Police) get into an
> > argument over who is the best at apprehending criminals. The
> President
> > decides to test them. She releases a rabbit into a forest and each of
> them
> > has to catch it. The NBI goes first. They place animal informants
> > throughout the forest.They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
> After
> > three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits
> do not
> > exist. The AFP goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the
> > forest, killing everything in it. They make no apologies: "The rabbit
> > deserved it." The PNP goes in. They come out two hours later with a
> badly
> > beaten bear. The bear! is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a
> > rabbit."